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this is where i run my mouth its where i go meow meow meow

11/16

unsung warriors: grocery store security guards

i always ask them to watch my stuff while i go pee and they r always so nice

11/15

idk earlier

ok i ended up just telling lucky and ella they were getting ceramic gifts for christmas but whatever its still a surprise what theyre getting and also i think its probably a given to most ppl theyre getting sewn gifts so whats another medium reveal

i’ve committed to handmaking all of my gifts for christmas i think i said that last time which means theres gonna be a lot of overlap on mediums to what is cutest and things that i think are worth keeping to people. becus the unfortunate truth behind handmaking ur gifts is that it does hurt when u see them never in use or donated frl

and everybody gets gifts they dont rlly use thats just the truth of life. but having so many buddies that plan on moving / move around a lot / dont hoard like i do and wanting to give gifts that will be worth keeping in those scenarios is hard

so my formula here is kind of like

is this idea worth the time it will take to make and be loved and used by the person in their daily life? is this idea something that the person will want to keep long term when time comes to make a savers donation (and not out of obligation, out of genuine handicraft)?

its so funny i typed all this out but whatever i dont care im on the couch alone again watching supernatural after making pastina and listening to leonard cohen on the bluetooth speaker thinking big thoughts

long day at work empty house to come home to type shit…... (my roommates are out)

idk later

supernatural is soooo funny the whole show is just like

ok which winchester is the one that has an affliction currently that makes him just a little bit bad and which one is morally righteous for the season

and then they switch

and then they switch

and then they switch

but never bad enough that they do anything like ACTUALLY messed up like i dunno be racist or something

like ur telling me sam lost his soul and was chill like sending his brother to possible death a million times cus he had no soul and didnt have any emotions other than selfishness and wasnt like a .. a bad .. bad guy in really bad ways like … with possible triggering ways and ways that pertain to the really fucked up parts of our world

LMAOO what a funny train of thought like why am i critically analyzing supernatural rn

11/12

i am doing some crazy crazy things u guys. i am going to be so so . urgh buggh ughr until christmas and i cant tell anyone why.

LUCKY DONT READ THIS DO NOT READ THIS LUCKY DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT THIS UPCOMING SEGMENT DONT READ!!!!!!!

i am investing like 200 dollars to rent a space in a ceramics studio for 3 months but its only open certain times and becus of the nature of the beast and all i have to get grinding to get gifts out by christmas. and im sad because no one will know that the reason im going to have to be blowing off a bunch of plans is for them. its all for them…..

LUCKY YOU CAN COME BACK

on that note

i wish that people valued their friends as much as their partners

im sure if i had a person like that i wouldnt be thinking this way at all and i hope i dont forget what this feels like if i ever do again

but i love them all so so dearly and im so sad that it isnt rationalized to like

give so much grace and understanding and love and live for your friends the way we rationalize doing those things for romantic partners

unfortunately i am evil and do wish everyone was single not because i hate that theyre happy (this implies that i am not which is partially true but complicated) but that i wish everyone remembered what it was like to have ur friends be the center of ur life and not romantic partners

11/09

sorry guys i was really off the steve pen there

ive been watching pretty much solely supernatural for the last month this show is so fucking funny actually lowkey im like regressing to being 13 like all i do all day is make stuff and clean and watch supernatural except now i have friends

11/05

scheming what to make for pinball baked good… might take a vote

not to brag but i make a rlly good peach cobbler but it doesnt do so well cold i dont think so maybe something else. cookie?

ok weird kinda sad thoughts here but

sometimes i can physically feel what my face feels like

like it feels jowly and heavy and puffy on my skull bones

especially when interacting w people that interest me like ill make eye contact w a cute customer or something and i can feel the way they look through me and my face somehow physically FEELS ugly and plain

anyway! im on that steve pen like crazy rn

its called that cus i got it from a man named steven

11/02

i cant believe its november!!! i need to start working on christmas presents YESTERDAY!! but i get so like

i cannot say no to ppl wanting to do stuff cus im so hyperaware that not all of these friendships will be within close distance forever. and i want everyone to always feel like i want to spend quality time w them always. but also i frl need to lock in for like half a second

also i wus just thinking does anyone else struggle to make close friendships and bonds with cis men unless theyre in relationships w ur friends and therefore are conditional friendships upon said man and friend being together

lmk

and also i was thinking about how being single has genuinely made me into a much cooler and more interesting and more thoughtful person. like i am so much more engaged in my own life.

it is rlly interesting to be in a relationship the entirety of ur adulthood and then just not be

and in the time that i have been single i have done SO MUCH!!!! so much more than i did in four years of being in a relationship

11/01

i wish i could just not speak to anyone or do anything for a week

10/30

i think a little misandry sometimes is ok just as a treat

10/25

ive been sooo sooo busy nd sooo tired sleepy

i love my therapist so much shes kind of the light of my life. learning how to navigate the world and be what u want to be to everyone while still caring abt ur own well-being is hard. like giving myself the same grace and understanding that i try to give to others is so hard. and just refusing to communicate and advocate on my own behalf. but im getting better! slowly but surely.

yesterday i had a good day!!!!! kinda hehe it was a lot but i would say was more positive than negative. all my roommates and their boyfriends and my friend taylor from school and @pupdog01 came to work nd it was so so so lovely!!!! i have so many friends nd i cant believe they all love me. hahaha

10/21

hi its midnight now so it is this day

but i had a lot of fun at pinball talking w uhhh... @james and @punkreflex nd hanging out w @lucky and @pupdog01 nd chatting nd i feel rlly proud of myself for getting more comfortable and being rlly normal. so basically life is sick

sometimes u just have to have a million dum dums in ur purse and now u can get words out of ur mouth better

i bought those dum dums with the idea that i could eat one before therapy becus my therapists' old office had a bowl of them and id always get one before going into their little room nd it wus like yay i can suck on this for the next hour nd then fidget w the stick but their new office doesnt have a dum dum bowl so i wus like ok ill buy my own but now theyre just a treat for everyone i meet becus they live in my purse

i redyed my hair and it looks a lot better i think! still little bit of a bad crash out 4 me but ive come to accept it

3:00 pm

dating apps r so crazy. like u just get to see all the people that are reaching for human connection just like u. i dont use them as frequently anymore they kind of just exist on my phone until i remember to look at them and when i do look its like a 4 minute ordeal before i get tired of it

its really so so human when u think abt it. and even the evil parts of it, u kno, ghosting and weird disrespectul perverted first messages etc., are par for the course of desperation and i find it kind of profound. like theyre just scratching and clawing at the door of feeling wanted in the way that they want to be by people they want, too. does that make any sense? obviously there are better ways of going about it with empathy and caring and understanding and respect than how some go about it (myself included, no one is perfect in dating app endeavors) but it is just a really ... bittersweet kind of cultural thing

11:53 pm

i got to hang out w my friend for a bit!!! i havent hung out w them since like april so it wus rlly nice even tho it wus just for a bit. i like them a lot

have u ever met someone that u can just be authentically urself around immediately? i feel like theyre hard to come by, but ive met a few recently. i love u all so bad and i see the work u do to make others feel wanted and included and u mean the world to me and thank u for using ur extroversion to make the world a better place

10/20

ok im redyeing my hair wish me luck. and then im getting lattes for me nd my roommates

there is a big fat cat laying on me rn so its going to be a real hassle to get up but nevertheless she persisted

yesterday i had a bit of a crash out abt money and time and my hair and the renaissance fair and my halloween costume and i feel rlly bad cus my roommate had to deal w me nd i was being a bitch

ive been thinking a lot abt getting what u give and giving what u get in relationships. not that life and relationships are transactional in any way but we all exist in this push and pull and i worry often that i get more than i give w some and i give more than i get w others. does that make any sense

like i hope i give my roommate as much as i feel she gives me. i hope the little things i do for her make her feel as loved and cared for as i do from her

10/19

ive been awake since seven and i showered and brushed my teeth and then just laid in my bed and im so hungry but i cant get up LOLOL

10/18

i literally said my shift today wus gonna be party party party nd it was!! everybody worked today nd it was so much fun and w the rain it wasnt crazy busy

overtime again this week !!

after work lucky nd i went and got hair dye and i look so freakin chopped busted doesnt match my vibe at all buhhgg!!! might go back tomorrow to get some like brown and put it on for like a rlly short amount of time u know

then we drank some wine from ssippi and watched youtube and i got home at ten and made pesto pastina soo yummy butter oil cheese

i was thinking abt my super duper funny dating history a lot today cus my roommate saw my ex at savers today and then i talked w two of my exes ex friends

ive been celibate 4 a month now which is the longest it has been since i broke up w ex last september

and i miss being touched and desired xyz feeling more insecure about my body than ever but also its been good to focus on my work nd creative endeavors nd my friendships nd not meeting new people and getting laid.

i have absolutely zero interest in doing that for the first time in a year (other than the 2 months i was with redacted and the other 2 months i was with ReDacted lol)

and literally even thinking abt someone touching me i get a little … frowny face u know

do i still wish the girl from last month would call me up? yes

10/17

overall not bad day tbh like it wus a little annoying becus wym i was doing 2 peoples jobs for the first 3 hours of my shift nd then ran arnd trying to do a million other things for the rest of it but actually i wus a lot less emotionally taxed than usual which was lovely

i got to eat potatoes on my break w my roommate nd her boyfriend nd pupdog01 hehe which was just a funny like worlds collide moment

im getting ready to go to a comedy show.... i would rather literally melt but u do things for ppl sometimes u know

yesterday and the day before wus rlly difficult emotionally i felt like i spent them both running arnd doing damage control so that people stop yelling or crying or fighting like ok yall r gonna make me get there too if u dont chill out

i was the eldest daughter in a screaming household STOP playing w me!!!!!!!

update:

comedy show was just as horrible as anticipated i always get anxious that im not laughing enough so they maybe dont feel appreciated and it makes me rlly sad for them when they dont get any laughs so ill giggle intentionally but then i get anxious im laughing more than anybody else like

and its rarely funny enough to make me forget im anxious

but it was in like a weed lounge and u had to ring a doorbell to get in and we had to like check in to their qr code and they jus had like sprite in the white kitchen fridge and i had to look in there and see what sodas and beers and stuff they had but there wus also just like some regular groceries which was just kinda fun nd silly for like an establishment

10/16

i think a lot about how much my life has changed in the last year nd how like

yes i am in a worse spot financially and possibly in terms of like... what we typically think of as being "successful," u kno, retirement fund and salary job xyz whatever and now im addicted 2 geek bar and rlly tired all the time and im in a much more depressive state generally

but i am also so much more open-minded and introspective and ive met so many people who have changed how i look at the world and i see so many beautiful little details within the spot i have carved for myself

today i sat on an old rotting wooden staircase in the alleyway during my 15 minute break and ate some fried potatoes and a shortbread cookie with an orange cat and a cardinal was in the tree above my head nd kept dropping those little orange berries that explode their guts all over yr fingers

and a man with a beagle dog was in the alley and the beagle didnt have a leash

nd it ran over to me and wagged its tail and the man said i could pet it

and then i went back to work

like just sitting outside for 15 minutes opens u up to so many experiences and maybe im broke and fat and uncool or whatever, but sometimes the world makes u forget for a brief moment all that by showing u the wonderful simple things that could happen to u regardless of what u looked like or how u were doing.